A Supplement to the Devil’s Dictionary: Homeland Security Edition

The lexicographer's labor is never finished. Language, like the republic it describes, corrupts by increments too small for any single citizen to notice, until one morning he wakes to find that self-defense means something his grandfather would not have recognized, and that a man may be murdered by an adjective. I offer the following supplement to my dictionary, compiled from the public statements of officials who, I am assured, mean every euphemism they utter.

A Small Lexicon of Naming Rights

A man who wishes to be remembered has two methods available to him. The first is to do something worth remembering. The second, far less strenuous and vastly more popular among heads of state, is to have his name engraved on things that were doing perfectly well under their previous ones. I bring this up because the news this week supplies two specimens of the second method in such close proximity that a lepidopterist would be forgiven for pinning them to the same board.

A Dictionary for the Age of the Shock Glove

It has long been my habit, when the newspapers grow too proud of their own vocabulary, to take that vocabulary apart with the same tools a jeweler uses on a fraudulent stone — a loupe, a small knife, and no sentiment whatever. The government of these United States has lately enriched the language considerably, and a dictionary is owed. I offer these entries not as invention but as translation.

Two Monuments

There are two kinds of immortality available to the American statesman, and the current occupant of that office appears determined to purchase both in the same season, on credit, with other people's currency.

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