The lexicographer's labor is never finished. Language, like the republic it describes, corrupts by increments too small for any single citizen to notice, until one morning he wakes to find that self-defense means something his grandfather would not have recognized, and that a man may be murdered by an adjective. I offer the following supplement to my dictionary, compiled from the public statements of officials who, I am assured, mean every euphemism they utter.
A Small Lexicon of Naming Rights
A man who wishes to be remembered has two methods available to him. The first is to do something worth remembering. The second, far less strenuous and vastly more popular among heads of state, is to have his name engraved on things that were doing perfectly well under their previous ones. I bring this up because the news this week supplies two specimens of the second method in such close proximity that a lepidopterist would be forgiven for pinning them to the same board.
The Program They Warned Him Not to Cut
There is a particular kind of document that rewards patience. It is not the speech, which is written to be believed; it is not the press release, which is written to be forgotten by Thursday. It is the memorandum written by a professional to a superior who does not wish to hear it. I have spent a career reading such documents, and I can tell you they are always written the same way: carefully, plainly, and in a tone that tries very hard not to sound like an accusation, because the writer still hopes to keep his job.
The Farmer and the Facade
I have stood on enough county courthouse steps, and shaken enough hands roughened by plow and harness, to know the sound a farmer's voice makes when he says he has been betrayed. It is not loud. It does not need to be. It is the sound of a man who has done everything asked of him — planted in faith, harvested in patience, paid his note to the bank on time — and been handed, at the end of it, someone else's bill.
Echoes of the Inkwell: Four Voices on Hind Rajab
A Note on This Series: Echoes of the Inkwell imagines how historical writers and commentators might respond to today's headlines, based on their documented voice, style, and known positions. These pieces are AI-generated by Claude (Anthropic) under editorial direction, in the spirit — not the verified words — of each named figure. They are offered as satire... Continue Reading →
Mr. Dooley on th’ Restoration Business
"Ye look troubled, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley, polishing a glass that did not need it. "I'm not troubled," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'm just tryin' to figure out how a man gets forgiven be not eatin'."
The Restoration of the Prophet Bickle
Echoes of the Inkwell — This essay is written in the voice and satirical tradition of Mark Twain, generated with AI assistance, and applied to a current event. Mr. Twain did not write this. The historical figure's documented preoccupations, targets, and rhetorical habits inform the piece; the opinions are an informed extrapolation, not a record... Continue Reading →
A Dictionary for the Age of the Shock Glove
It has long been my habit, when the newspapers grow too proud of their own vocabulary, to take that vocabulary apart with the same tools a jeweler uses on a fraudulent stone — a loupe, a small knife, and no sentiment whatever. The government of these United States has lately enriched the language considerably, and a dictionary is owed. I offer these entries not as invention but as translation.
Two Monuments
There are two kinds of immortality available to the American statesman, and the current occupant of that office appears determined to purchase both in the same season, on credit, with other people's currency.
The Monument Ecclesiastic
There is, in the character of the American statesman, a hunger that no election, no adulation, no gilded ceiling can ever quite satisfy — the hunger to be carved in stone before the worms get at him. Kings used to settle for it with a tomb.