VOICES FROM THE PAST — The editors of this page occasionally invite the great wits and observers of ages past — reconstructed through the miracle of artificial intelligence — to cast their eyes upon the present day. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The Begatting of the President
A Supplemental Book: The Octagon of Trump
In the voice and manner of the celebrated 1969 satirical album, narrated with great authority and magnificent solemnity upon events which merit neither, but which have received both in abundance.
Being an account of the Eightieth Natal Celebration of Donald, Called the Forty-Seventh, in the Year of the Two-Hundred-and-Fiftieth Anniversary of the Republic, which is to say in the Year Two Thousand and Twenty-Six, as reckoned by those who reckon such things.
The Book of the Great Natal Festivity, Chapter the First:
The Erecting of the Octagon
And it came to pass in the fourteenth day of the sixth month that the servants of Donald caused to be erected upon the South Lawn of the People’s House a great cage of wire and steel, ninety and two feet in height, that the people might look upon it and marvel.
And the servants said unto the people: This is the Octagon of Freedom.
And the people said: What is it for?
And the servants said: Men shall enter therein and smite one another, that the birthday of the President might be honored.
And the people said: Ah.
And there was a great silence in the land, which lasted approximately four seconds, after which everyone agreed this was tremendous.
Chapter the Second:
The Begetting of the Celebration
Now in those days Donald had turned eighty years upon the earth, which is a great age, and which he bore with characteristic modesty, insofar as he caused the celebration to encompass not only his own birthday but also the two-hundred-and-fiftieth birthday of the nation, so that the two were joined together as one, and it was difficult thereafter to say where the republic ended and the man began.
And his servants called it America 250, though observers noted that the emphasis was distributed unevenly.
For it came to pass that Donald’s image was placed upon many things during these days. And his name was spoken at many ceremonies. And his voice was heard at many gatherings. And those who had organized the nation’s semiquincentennial in the belief that it would be a celebration of two hundred and fifty years of collective endeavor found that it had become, in the fullness of time, something somewhat more personal.
And Donald looked upon these things and saw that they were good.
Chapter the Third:
The Seven Bouts
And on the night of the celebration, there came forth seven pairs of fighters, mighty men of valor, skilled in the arts of punching, kicking, choking, and the various other disciplines by which free men may honor their president.
And they were sealed within the Octagon of Freedom, that they might not escape until one had prevailed over the other, as the Founders had envisioned, or at any rate as no one had specifically prohibited.
And the crowd was exceedingly great. And the flags were exceedingly numerous. And the television cameras were present in abundance, for this was a thing that had not been seen before upon the South Lawn, and the cameras sensed that history was being made, or at any rate that something was being made, and they filmed it accordingly.
And Donald presided over these contests with the bearing of a sovereign who has arranged the evening’s entertainment and found it satisfactory. Which he had. And which he did.
Chapter the Fourth:
The Deal with the Persians
Now it came to pass that even as the workers prepared the Octagon, and even as the fighters prepared their fists, and even as the people prepared their cheering, there was also being prepared, in the chambers of power, a great and terrible reckoning with the nation of Iran, with whom Donald had lately entered into what the scrolls of that era describe as a costly and unpopular conflict that he had helped to bring about.
And on the very afternoon of the birthday celebration, it was announced on social media — which had become in those days the customary venue for announcements of consequence — that a deal had been reached, and that the ships might pass again through the Strait of Hormuz, and that the unpleasantness would presently subside.
And the people read this announcement between the fight previews and the birthday tributes and they said: That is good news.
And then they went back to watching the undercard.
For it was understood in that era that the affairs of nations and the affairs of entertainment had become one seamless garment, and to pull upon one thread was to adjust the other, and the wise man did not inquire too closely into the stitching.
Chapter the Fifth:
The Theology of the Spectacle
And lo, there arose in the land a great questioning among the scribes and the pundits and the professors of political science, who said: Is this seemly? Is this dignified? Is this the proper use of the People’s House?
And the servants of Donald replied: It is a celebration of the American fighting spirit.
And the scribes wrote many words about this, and the pundits spoke many words about this, and the professors published papers about this, and the people watched seven cage fights on the South Lawn of the White House and had a very good time.
And in the morning the republic continued, as it had continued before, and as it would continue after, battered and resilient and somewhat confused about its dignity, as had been its custom since the beginning.
Chapter the Sixth and Final:
The Benediction
And thus did Donald mark the completion of his eightieth year: with cage fighters and war deals and a nation’s birthday blended into his own, and a ninety-two-foot octagon where the rosebushes had been, and the flags of the republic snapping in the Washington summer air above men who were punching each other in the face in honor of freedom.
And a voice spoke out of the grandeur of the evening, saying: Lo, no president hath done this thing before.
And the people replied: No. No, they have not.
And the voice said: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
And the people considered this question for a moment.
And then the next fight started.
And it came to pass. And it came to pass. And it came to pass.
Delivered in the manner of “The Begatting of the President” (Mediarts Records, 1969–70), written by Myron Roberts, Lincoln Haynes, and Sasha Gilien, and narrated by Orson Welles with an authority that the subject matter did not deserve but received nonetheless. This text was composed by artificial intelligence in that spirit. The editors commend the original album to any reader who has not yet heard it. It holds up remarkably well.
Tom & Nancy Cook 
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