A note on this piece: Echoes of the Inkwell is a satirical series in which artificial intelligence channels the voice, style, and preoccupations of a historical writer to comment on a verified, present-day news event. This essay is fully AI-generated and disclosed as such. It is a work of satire, not journalism, and no words below were actually written by the historical figure it channels. The underlying facts have been fact-checked against primary and reputable reporting sources prior to drafting.
History Connected to Today’s Issues — in the voice of Finley Peter Dunne
“Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, setting down a glass and taking up a rag for no particular reason except that a man likes to have somethin’ in his hands when he’s about to say somethin’ important, “th’ United Nations has voted to fix th’ map iv th’ wurruld, an’ this counthry has voted against it.”
“Fix th’ map?” said Mr. Hennessy. “What was wrong with th’ map? I looked at wan Choosday an’ it looked all right to me. There was th’ ocean, an’ there was th’ land, an’ Chicago was where it always was.”
“Th’ map,” said Mr. Dooley, “has been lyin’ to us since a Dutchman named Mercator drew it up in fifteen sixty-nine, back when men thought th’ world was flat an’ also thought that was a reasonable thing to think. On his map, Greenland — a big ice cube with a flag on it — looks near as big as all iv Africa. Africa, mind ye, that’s big enough to swaller th’ United States, China, an’ India whole an’ still have room left over for dessert. But on th’ ol’ map it looks like a little strip iv something ye’d trip over lookin’ for Egypt.”
“An’ now they’ve fixed it?”
“They’ve voted to encourage people to use a betther one. A hunderd an’ sixty-four nations said aye. Six said nawthin’ at all, which is th’ safest thing a nation can say about anything. An’ one nation, Hennessy — wan out iv a hunderd an’ sixty-five — stood up an’ said no.”
“Which wan?”
“Guess.”
“I couldn’t possibly—”
“Th’ United States iv America, Hennessy, defender iv th’ free wurruld, guardian iv liberty, opponent iv th’ accurate map. Th’ lady who spoke for us called it a ‘radical ideological project.’ A map, Hennessy. Not an army. Not a tax. A map that some fellas in Togo asked people to look at more often because it tells th’ truth about how big Africa is.”
“Maybe she had her reasons.”
“She did. She said th’ United Nations ought to be spendin’ its time on ‘genuine problems iv international peace, prosperity, or good relations’ instead iv arguin’ about maps. Which is a grand point, Hennessy, an’ I’d have more respect for it if she’d made it about anything else th’ United Nations spends its time on, or if standin’ up alone against a hunderd an’ sixty-four other countries over a map was itself much of a contribution to international good relations.”
“It don’t bind nobody, though, does it? Th’ resolution?”
“Not a soul. No country has to burn its ol’ maps. No sailor has to throw out his charts. It’s a suggestion, Hennessy, wrote in th’ softest language diplomats can manage, sayin’ that when it comes to teachin’ a child how big Africa really is, maybe don’t use th’ map that was drawn for sailors avoidin’ icebergs four hundred years ago.”
“An’ we said no to a suggestion.”
“We said no to a suggestion, all by ourselves, out iv a hunderd an’ sixty-five nations, an’ called it radical ideology. Hennessy, I’ve known men to fight over smaller things than that, but I niver knew a nation to fight so hard to keep believin’ Greenland was bigger than it is.”
“What’ll come of it?”
“Some schools’ll change their maps. Some won’t. Th’ United States’ll go on bein’ th’ United States, big as it iver was, no bigger an’ no smaller for all th’ shoutin’. But a hunderd years from now, Hennessy, when they teach this in th’ schools — assumin’ they teach anything at all — I’ll wager they don’t spend much time on th’ map. They’ll spend it on th’ vote.”
Channeled in the voice of Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) for Echoes of the Inkwell. Fact-checked and edited by Tom Cook.
Leave a Reply